Coronavirus Feelings, post 1

I find myself going to writing when I’m feeling overwhelmed. And, it’s been a long time since I’ve gone to writing. As a preteen and teenager and college kid, I’ve gone back and forth to journal writing. It’s no surprise that I find solace in pencil and paper, or now, keyboard and laptop given my history with being in love with the written word, both as a student and a teacher. 

I’m nervous. I’m anxious. When I feel that way, I need to release. And my release is through passively written sentences and spilling my emotions on to the page. Last night I couldn’t fall asleep. I was hit with a wave of anxieties in this current time. 

So many things to be nervous about —

1. Staying healthy in this household. What does this look like? How do I manage it? What if one of us gets sick? What does that look like? How do roles switch to be best prepared for this.  (my hands are sweating as I’m writing this — a physical release of my worries).
2. My family that lives beyond these walls of our home. I just keep praying and praying for their safety and health, and that they remain protected in this all. 
3. Are we prepared? Do we have what we need? As we go into “stay at home” mandate, a little bit of fear creeps up with our preparedness. But, in reality, how lucky are we with modern day luxuries like online shopping and delivery services and so much more.And, the mandate doesn’t mean I can’t get out and get more, but I get so nervous that in doing so, I am putting myself and others at more risk.
4. Can I keep my happy face on right now, for my children? Can I make all seem normal right now? I have to try, and with that comes weight and pressure.
5. How can I help others? I went grocery shopping on Friday, and just felt so bad for the store employees. The woman who was my cashier was so upbeat and positive, but she told me how tired she was, how the days are long, and the shopping for herself is difficult. The best I could do right then was to offer to buy her (and the young man working so hard to bag my groceries) a drink from the check out lane. So small for now, but I wanted to show my appreciation for the hard work they are doing, and how much they are willing to sacrifice for so many others. But, what else can I do right now? That’s what I need to explore. 
6. What if…. what if… that’s the scariest thought right now. And, that’s what keeps me tossing and turning. It’s so hard to quiet my mind of that little fear. 

I don’t know how much I will actually write during this time (much like those journals from my younger years. I may skip days, weeks, months, who knows?), but right now, I need this release. This attempt of an exodus of these heavy feelings. 

A Letter to A Teenager

Dear Teenager Reid,

This is being written one week before your four month birthday. And, it is written in love. Loving you is the best thing I can do. It is impossible for me to imagine you as a teenager, but you’ll be there soon. I know that the love I feel for you now will not fade or change over my lifetime. You have captured my heart, and that is where you will remain.

As a high school teacher, I spend a majority of my weekdays with teenagers. Well, I'm pretty fortunate to do what I do. For the most part, I get along pretty well with these teenagers. Because of this, I am hopeful that when you are older that we'll be close. I think other adults who don't interact regularly with teens are scared of them. They don't know what to expect or how to treat them. It's like they fear the gap in age will remind them how much older they really are.

When you are a teenager, I hope you still see me as a person, and still love me as your mom.

I see so many teens struggle in their relationship with their parents ...

 I hear about parents who are too overprotective and constantly accuse their child, and always assume the worst. I hear about parents who put up a wall between the child and themselves, almost as if wishing for the teen years to pass quickly. I hear about parents who just don't seem to care. They just distance themselves, or act naive to the realities. I hear about parents who are blind to the hurt or pain their child is going through. Parents who just smile, say “it's a phase”, and look the other way.

Well, Reid, I'm not perfect. And I won't be by the time you are a teenager. But, I promise, I'll always love you. I will be there for you, even when you don't want me to be. Remember I'm a person too. I've felt pain, and I've felt joy, and helping you cope or celebrate is my duty and delight as a parent. Sharing in your life is so important to me.

Being a teenager is tough. I'm here. Allow me to be part of your life.

I love you,

Mom

A Poem for Days When Things Never Go Right

Backwards blues.
Sideways secrets.
Moments escaping the grip of my hands.

Lists that go unchecked.
Attitudes that steamroll.
Loud crashes that deaden.

Lost minutes, lost hours, lost days.
Picture myself wandering in circles
focusing on all the wrong things.

Mind closed. Mouth hanging open.
Wrong thoughts. Wrong words.

but, it's a bad day,
not a bad life.
Try again.

A Letter to Throw into the Ocean

Dear Death,

You're my biggest fear. I want to tell you why.

We can't escape you. We can act as if we are better, and you don't bother us. But, it's a lie. You're always there.

Things are so happy, so rosy, so good, and I'm scared for the bad. I'm not saying that I walk around with sunshine following me and flowers blooming as I step about. No, things aren't Mary Poppins cheer-y, but they are happy. At least to me, as my happiness isn't the same as another's. But, life happens. And, it's not all good. And, it's naive for me to pretend it is, or will be, but I want it to be.

Death, you took away my mother. A beautiful woman stolen from me and my family. You took with you memories that will never exist, and smiles that will never be seen. It was so tough, and tears fell, and still do.  But, almost ten years later -- the sadness isn't as deep or heavy as it once was.

What frightens me now is losing more.

I look around and I am surrounded by love. I see love personified into so many beings. But that can't last.
Death must happen. What if I lost him? Or her? Or both? Or more? And, in the end, don't we lose them all?

I know that pain, I've felt that pain, and I don't want to feel it again.
I have no comfort. I know no way to stop you. You are always there.

Death, please go away. Don't hurt me.

Stay away,
me

A Poem To Carry With You

You know the expression, life is hard.
Well, it's true.
But, here's the deal...
Don't make it harder than it needs to be.

Be confidant.
You are strong and proud.
Show it.

Be Loud.
You have a voice.
Share it.

Be Kind.
Others need love.
Give it.

The world can be hard,
but it is a beautiful place.
Find magic in moments.
Be true to yourself.
Live.
Celebrate.
Enoy it.

Introduction Poem

Silent heads bent over the desk.

Pencils gripped firmly in bony hands

while etching on

stark white paper with thin blue veins.

The pencil falls silently to the page.

The words gush, tumble, scream out to the page.

The thoughts clutter and fight their way to the page.

The ideas shudder to life and exist for the moment.

Then a pause, before it starts again.

This pattern continues

day after day

week after week

month after month

and every day, new pencils, new papers, new words, new thoughts, new discoveries.

And, I, as their teacher, howl and delight in what I see

These students, they inspire me.

Writer's Workshop Week Three

Week 3

So, last week would have been week 3. Also, Thanksgiving week.  And, I’m happy to say that I exercised 5 out of 7 days.  I could have gone on Friday or Sunday, especially since it was a long break from school. However, I just didn’t go. But, I can’t be mad at myself for making it the other days.

I’m especially proud of going Thanksgiving morning.  The Jazzercise room was packed. 62 people. We were crammed in there. But, it was inspiring to see 62 people who all decided they were committed enough to go on Thanksgiving.  It made each bite later worth it!

Monday – Jazzercise

Tuesday – elliptical

Wednesday – Jazzercise

Thursday – Jazzercise

Saturday – elliptical

Writer's Workshop Wrap up of Week Two

So, without the 10 day deadline, it's not as easy to stay motivated. Yes, it's been an improvement from previous weeks, but not as strong as my original ten days. The last week has consisted of four trips to Jazzercise, and one trip to the gym. I guess after typing that I realize that it's not so bad for seven days post the original ten.

I think the new way to measure this will be in weeks.

Monday through Sunday will make up my "week".

My ideal goal would be working out 6 out of 7 days.

However, my realistic goal will be working out 5 out of 7 days.

So, for week number two -- 5 out of 7 isn't so bad.

This past weekend, I've told a few of my friends about my blog. I'm excited to share what I've been up to, but, it also makes me a little nervous as well. It's sharing my accomplishments and my disappointments. Because I know that there will be a few weeks when I slack... Also, it's difficult because by sharing this - that means I need to keep working on it because I feel like other people are counting on me to do so.

My sister is my biggest fan.  She and her husband have read every entry :) Makes me feel proud!

I’ll begin week number three today…

Writer's Workshop Wrapping Up the First Ten Days

I have been so good about exercising these 10 days and I'm proud of myself. I know it's early, but I'm trying to tell if I feel any different... I think I have more energy overall. I've been making healthier food options because I understand how much it takes to lose those calories. I think my posture and stride has become taller. I don't think that I'm sleeping better yet. Or, that I've lost any weight.

I like the fact that this little experiment is broken in to ten days. That makes it manageable. It's not like I said, "I'm going to work out everyday for the rest of my life." It was just ten days. And I did it (with my one miss), and I'm really proud of myself.

I think I'm going to set that same goal now for the next ten days. And, I'll attempt to blog about it as I feel it holds me more accountable. I am also going to reward myself. If I go for 30 days, I get new athletic shoes! Nothing like shiny new shoes for motivation!

Thanks for following along so far. Now, I'm taking this blog to the next level - the "and counting" ...