Backwards blues.
Sideways secrets.
Moments escaping the grip of my hands.
Lists that go unchecked.
Attitudes that steamroll.
Loud crashes that deaden.
Lost minutes, lost hours, lost days.
Picture myself wandering in circles
focusing on all the wrong things.
Mind closed. Mouth hanging open.
Wrong thoughts. Wrong words.
but, it's a bad day,
not a bad life.
Try again.
Monday, November 28, 2011
A Letter to Throw into the Ocean
Dear Death,
You're my biggest fear. I want to tell you why.
We can't escape you. We can act as if we are better, and you don't bother us. But, it's a lie. You're always there.
Things are so happy, so rosy, so good, and I'm scared for the bad. I'm not saying that I walk around with sunshine following me and flowers blooming as I step about. No, things aren't Mary Poppins cheer-y, but they are happy. At least to me, as my happiness isn't the same as another's. But, life happens. And, it's not all good. And, it's naive for me to pretend it is, or will be, but I want it to be.
Death, you took away my mother. A beautiful woman stolen from me and my family. You took with you memories that will never exist, and smiles that will never be seen. It was so tough, and tears fell, and still do. But, almost ten years later -- the sadness isn't as deep or heavy as it once was.
What frightens me now is losing more.
I look around and I am surrounded by love. I see love personified into so many beings. But that can't last.
Death must happen. What if I lost him? Or her? Or both? Or more? And, in the end, don't we lose them all?
I know that pain, I've felt that pain, and I don't want to feel it again.
I have no comfort. I know no way to stop you. You are always there.
Death, please go away. Don't hurt me.
Stay away,
me
You're my biggest fear. I want to tell you why.
We can't escape you. We can act as if we are better, and you don't bother us. But, it's a lie. You're always there.
Things are so happy, so rosy, so good, and I'm scared for the bad. I'm not saying that I walk around with sunshine following me and flowers blooming as I step about. No, things aren't Mary Poppins cheer-y, but they are happy. At least to me, as my happiness isn't the same as another's. But, life happens. And, it's not all good. And, it's naive for me to pretend it is, or will be, but I want it to be.
Death, you took away my mother. A beautiful woman stolen from me and my family. You took with you memories that will never exist, and smiles that will never be seen. It was so tough, and tears fell, and still do. But, almost ten years later -- the sadness isn't as deep or heavy as it once was.
What frightens me now is losing more.
I look around and I am surrounded by love. I see love personified into so many beings. But that can't last.
Death must happen. What if I lost him? Or her? Or both? Or more? And, in the end, don't we lose them all?
I know that pain, I've felt that pain, and I don't want to feel it again.
I have no comfort. I know no way to stop you. You are always there.
Death, please go away. Don't hurt me.
Stay away,
me
A Poem To Carry With You
You know the expression, life is hard.
Well, it's true.
But, here's the deal...
Don't make it harder than it needs to be.
Be confidant.
You are strong and proud.
Show it.
Be Loud.
You have a voice.
Share it.
Be Kind.
Others need love.
Give it.
The world can be hard,
but it is a beautiful place.
Find magic in moments.
Be true to yourself.
Live.
Celebrate.
Enoy it.
Well, it's true.
But, here's the deal...
Don't make it harder than it needs to be.
Be confidant.
You are strong and proud.
Show it.
Be Loud.
You have a voice.
Share it.
Be Kind.
Others need love.
Give it.
The world can be hard,
but it is a beautiful place.
Find magic in moments.
Be true to yourself.
Live.
Celebrate.
Enoy it.
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Introduction Poem
Silent heads bent over the desk.
Pencils gripped firmly in bony hands
while etching on
stark white paper with thin blue veins.
The pencil falls silently to the page.
The words gush, tumble, scream out to the page.
The thoughts clutter and fight their way to the page.
The ideas shudder to life and exist for the moment.
Then a pause, before it starts again.
This pattern continues
day after day
week after week
month after month
and every day, new pencils, new papers, new words, new thoughts, new discoveries.
And, I, as their teacher, howl and delight in what I see
These students, they inspire me.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Writer's Workshop Week Three
Week 3
So, last week would have been week 3. Also, Thanksgiving week. And, I’m happy to say that I exercised 5 out of 7 days. I could have gone on Friday or Sunday, especially since it was a long break from school. However, I just didn’t go. But, I can’t be mad at myself for making it the other days.
I’m especially proud of going Thanksgiving morning. The Jazzercise room was packed. 62 people. We were crammed in there. But, it was inspiring to see 62 people who all decided they were committed enough to go on Thanksgiving. It made each bite later worth it!
Monday – Jazzercise
Tuesday – elliptical
Wednesday – Jazzercise
Thursday – Jazzercise
Saturday – elliptical
Monday, November 22, 2010
Writer's Workshop Wrap up of Week Two
So, without the 10 day deadline, it's not as easy to stay motivated. Yes, it's been an improvement from previous weeks, but not as strong as my original ten days. The last week has consisted of four trips to Jazzercise, and one trip to the gym. I guess after typing that I realize that it's not so bad for seven days post the original ten.
I think the new way to measure this will be in weeks.
Monday through Sunday will make up my "week".
My ideal goal would be working out 6 out of 7 days.
However, my realistic goal will be working out 5 out of 7 days.
So, for week number two -- 5 out of 7 isn't so bad.
This past weekend, I've told a few of my friends about my blog. I'm excited to share what I've been up to, but, it also makes me a little nervous as well. It's sharing my accomplishments and my disappointments. Because I know that there will be a few weeks when I slack... Also, it's difficult because by sharing this - that means I need to keep working on it because I feel like other people are counting on me to do so.
My sister is my biggest fan. She and her husband have read every entry :) Makes me feel proud!
I’ll begin week number three today…
Friday, November 19, 2010
Writer's Workshop Wrapping Up the First Ten Days
I have been so good about exercising these 10 days and I'm proud of myself. I know it's early, but I'm trying to tell if I feel any different... I think I have more energy overall. I've been making healthier food options because I understand how much it takes to lose those calories. I think my posture and stride has become taller. I don't think that I'm sleeping better yet. Or, that I've lost any weight.
I like the fact that this little experiment is broken in to ten days. That makes it manageable. It's not like I said, "I'm going to work out everyday for the rest of my life." It was just ten days. And I did it (with my one miss), and I'm really proud of myself.
I think I'm going to set that same goal now for the next ten days. And, I'll attempt to blog about it as I feel it holds me more accountable. I am also going to reward myself. If I go for 30 days, I get new athletic shoes! Nothing like shiny new shoes for motivation!
Thanks for following along so far. Now, I'm taking this blog to the next level - the "and counting" ...
Monday, November 15, 2010
Writer's Workshop Days 5,6,7,8
Days 5, 6, 7, 8
So my sister was on vacation last week, and that meant jazzercise by myself. You know, it wasn't that bad. Yes, I had a couple embarrassing moments - but I'm proud of myself for going solo. Two things I learned by going alone: 1. it's okay to mess up and not laugh about it with someone. Alyssa laughed with the fact that I was off, but without her, no one is paying any attention to me, and 2. don't stand next to the guy with long hair. He will run you over during a few moves!
Late Friday afternoon, I was heading to my gym. I stayed late after school (late for a Friday - 4:45), and was actually looking forward to a trip on the elliptical to work off some school stress. At the gym, I park my car, walk in, and know immediately that something is off... the power! The people behind the desk tell me that I can work out if I want, but there's a good chance they'll be closing shortly. I run to the elliptical, start my workout. Four minutes later, they come around and tell everyone they are closing down until the power comes back.
I could have gone home, because technically I did exercise for the day (all 4 minutes). But, that's not what I wanted. I actually wanted to work out. Weird, huh? So, after exchanging a few text messages with my husband, who reminded me that I could visit another gym location, I went on my way to an alternate gym. I even drove right by house, and kept on driving. I was going to get that workout in no matter what. It was a proud moment for me.
Day 5 - gym
Day 6 - jazzercise
Day 7- gym
Day 8- jazzercise
So my sister was on vacation last week, and that meant jazzercise by myself. You know, it wasn't that bad. Yes, I had a couple embarrassing moments - but I'm proud of myself for going solo. Two things I learned by going alone: 1. it's okay to mess up and not laugh about it with someone. Alyssa laughed with the fact that I was off, but without her, no one is paying any attention to me, and 2. don't stand next to the guy with long hair. He will run you over during a few moves!
Late Friday afternoon, I was heading to my gym. I stayed late after school (late for a Friday - 4:45), and was actually looking forward to a trip on the elliptical to work off some school stress. At the gym, I park my car, walk in, and know immediately that something is off... the power! The people behind the desk tell me that I can work out if I want, but there's a good chance they'll be closing shortly. I run to the elliptical, start my workout. Four minutes later, they come around and tell everyone they are closing down until the power comes back.
I could have gone home, because technically I did exercise for the day (all 4 minutes). But, that's not what I wanted. I actually wanted to work out. Weird, huh? So, after exchanging a few text messages with my husband, who reminded me that I could visit another gym location, I went on my way to an alternate gym. I even drove right by house, and kept on driving. I was going to get that workout in no matter what. It was a proud moment for me.
Day 5 - gym
Day 6 - jazzercise
Day 7- gym
Day 8- jazzercise
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Writer's Workshop Days Three and Four
Jazzercise.
Ok, so I had no idea what to expect at Jazzercise the first time I went (just a few weeks ago), but I kind of look forward to going now. The reason why is because it is a challenge for me.
Everyone should know that I am one of the most uncoordinated people I know. Watch me teach sometime, I will literally walk into my desk. Ask my husband, he's seen me collide with walls just walking. I despise dancing because I have no rhythm. I get it from my dad. You know those moments when you're in the audience and the audience is expected to clap with a beat? You should see my dad and me in those situations; you'd think we were in fast-forward compared to everyone else. We just don't get it. I was so nervous for the father-daughter dance at my wedding. I had this vision of us stepping on each other's toes and crashing into a wall (luckily, we survived just fine).
Anyway, Jazzercise takes place in a large room with about 30 other ladies. The teacher is on-stage instructing, and everyone else follows along. Sometimes you'll hear the same music from class to class, or see the same routine, but so far every class that I've attended has been different. I am all over that floor. I make up my own moves. My feet go in every which direction. My arms fly against the crowd.
But, yet, I like it. I think I like it for a few reasons:
1. I feel like I'm really burning some calories. I leave soaked in sweat, and even the annoyingly chipper, thin and cute instructor is too (which makes me feel even better).
2. I feel like I'm making improvements on my lack of coordination. Every once in awhile, I feel like I'm actually good at a move - and I think I get a little smug about it.
3. I like how it is different every day. The elliptical at the gym is just the same motion over and over again. At Jazzercise, I'm doing all sorts of things!
4. It’s a bonding moment with my sister. Let’s be frank – we’re both uncoordinated. BUT, I’ve never realized this before. She’s just as out as I am! My sister, who runs half-marathons regularly, and is in so much better shape than me. My sister, who was a tap-dancer as a young girl while I watched on jealous of her sequined costume. My sister, who skipped the first grade because she always was so quick to pick things up. Well, that same sister seems to be just as awkward as me on that Jazzercise floor, and it certainly helps me feel better about it!
Days Three and Four were successful. I made it to Jazzercise both days. I almost twisted my ankle on Day 4, but I rolled with it.
1. I feel like I'm really burning some calories. I leave soaked in sweat, and even the annoyingly chipper, thin and cute instructor is too (which makes me feel even better).
2. I feel like I'm making improvements on my lack of coordination. Every once in awhile, I feel like I'm actually good at a move - and I think I get a little smug about it.
3. I like how it is different every day. The elliptical at the gym is just the same motion over and over again. At Jazzercise, I'm doing all sorts of things!
4. It’s a bonding moment with my sister. Let’s be frank – we’re both uncoordinated. BUT, I’ve never realized this before. She’s just as out as I am! My sister, who runs half-marathons regularly, and is in so much better shape than me. My sister, who was a tap-dancer as a young girl while I watched on jealous of her sequined costume. My sister, who skipped the first grade because she always was so quick to pick things up. Well, that same sister seems to be just as awkward as me on that Jazzercise floor, and it certainly helps me feel better about it!
Days Three and Four were successful. I made it to Jazzercise both days. I almost twisted my ankle on Day 4, but I rolled with it.
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Writer's Workshop Days One and Two
Day one was easy!
My 10 day streak started off with a lovely trip to Jazzercise with my sister at 8:30 am on Saturday. I had a large coffee before the Friday night football game, and woke up Saturday morning alert from the caffeine I enjoyed 12 hours before. Since Day One was so easy, I thought I was off to a great start.
But, then …
Day 2 almost didn't happen. Although it should have been the easiest day – Sunday – no excuses or distractions. I woke up nice and early as the clocks fell back an hour. 6:40 am on a Sunday that has never happened before. I was going to go to the gym in the morning, but because my husband's family was in town (unexpectedly), I needed to be on-call for plans with them. So a busy morning of house cleaning was followed by a lovely family lunch.
Then, I got tired. So tired. And, it was nap time. I set my alarm clock for a reasonable nap, but hit snooze a few times. Then my husband came in to wake me.
"What about the gym?” he said.
"Not happening" I responded.
"Honey, the blog!" he encouraged.
And I said, "Oh, well" and turned over to nap a bit longer.
He left me alone and I started thinking ... I can't have my missed day happen already. I can't lie about it. I can't really think of any valid reason to miss, besides selfishness (I had a lovely evening of relaxing ahead of me). So, I got up. Put on my gym clothes. Grabbed my gym bag. And told my husband goodbye (he seemed quite surprised and said he was proud of me).
Crisis adverted. I made it to day number two. I walked into the gym feeling confident, but suddenly had an uh-oh moment. Something doesn't seem the same. Something is different. I see a suspicious looking black finger pad and scanner, and a sign that brags "Scan your finger in for your workout".
Um, this is embarrassing. I don't know what that means. Or what this black box is. Or, how long it's been a part of my gym. I have to fess up to the guy behind the desk.
"Hi, I haven't been here in awhile, so I don't know what this log-in thing is all about.” I sheepishly admit. He walks me through the process. Now, I'm legit. He tells me the next time I come in "even if it's in a year, I can just scan myself in". Gee, apparently he doesn't think I'll be back in the next eight days. But, I’ll show him! I'll be back!
I better be…
My 10 day streak started off with a lovely trip to Jazzercise with my sister at 8:30 am on Saturday. I had a large coffee before the Friday night football game, and woke up Saturday morning alert from the caffeine I enjoyed 12 hours before. Since Day One was so easy, I thought I was off to a great start.
But, then …
Day 2 almost didn't happen. Although it should have been the easiest day – Sunday – no excuses or distractions. I woke up nice and early as the clocks fell back an hour. 6:40 am on a Sunday that has never happened before. I was going to go to the gym in the morning, but because my husband's family was in town (unexpectedly), I needed to be on-call for plans with them. So a busy morning of house cleaning was followed by a lovely family lunch.
Then, I got tired. So tired. And, it was nap time. I set my alarm clock for a reasonable nap, but hit snooze a few times. Then my husband came in to wake me.
"What about the gym?” he said.
"Not happening" I responded.
"Honey, the blog!" he encouraged.
And I said, "Oh, well" and turned over to nap a bit longer.
He left me alone and I started thinking ... I can't have my missed day happen already. I can't lie about it. I can't really think of any valid reason to miss, besides selfishness (I had a lovely evening of relaxing ahead of me). So, I got up. Put on my gym clothes. Grabbed my gym bag. And told my husband goodbye (he seemed quite surprised and said he was proud of me).
Crisis adverted. I made it to day number two. I walked into the gym feeling confident, but suddenly had an uh-oh moment. Something doesn't seem the same. Something is different. I see a suspicious looking black finger pad and scanner, and a sign that brags "Scan your finger in for your workout".
Um, this is embarrassing. I don't know what that means. Or what this black box is. Or, how long it's been a part of my gym. I have to fess up to the guy behind the desk.
"Hi, I haven't been here in awhile, so I don't know what this log-in thing is all about.” I sheepishly admit. He walks me through the process. Now, I'm legit. He tells me the next time I come in "even if it's in a year, I can just scan myself in". Gee, apparently he doesn't think I'll be back in the next eight days. But, I’ll show him! I'll be back!
I better be…
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Writer's Workshop Introduction 11-6-2010
The assignment: to do something to improve myself for ten days.
The challenge: exercise, every day.
Some history:
I've always been a fair-weather gym fan. I'll get a good month in of regular visits, and then I stop for six months. Or maybe I'll get two trips a week, but zero the next.
As a coach and a teacher, I do feel so busy at times. I have 800 different things on my to-do list and no idea when I will finish them. But, I actually feel slightly caught up at the moment. I know what I'm teaching for the next ten days, cheer is slowing down until basketball season, and I feel a little less stressed. The planets have aligned.
I've belonged to the same gym for several years now, and it's time I've returned. No sense in paying for a gym membership if I don't actually go! And, recently my sister and I signed up for Jazzercise (don't laugh - although it is funny). We've gone a couple times, but I'm ready to step it up now.
I always feel so much better when I exercise, but yet, I hate it. It has so many good side effects - I eat healthier, I have more energy, I feel better about myself, I gain more confidence, and overall, I am just more proud of myself. But, recently, I've been really bad about getting back in the habit. I guess I hate it because I get so frustrated because I want immediate results. I want to lose 10 pounds in a week, and that just doesn't happen. I also get way too busy, although if I really looked, I'm sure I could find the time. Oh, and I hate going to the gym at busy times. I feel like I have to fight for a machine and everyone knows that I’m not a “regular”.
BUT, this is it. I'm in this for ten days...
My plan: for ten days straight, I'm either going to the gym or jazzercise or a vigorous jog around the neighborhood (although, that is my last and desperate choice). This means some trips after school, or some (ick) really early morning gym visits - 5:30 am). But, I can do this. I expect myself to do this. I predict one missed day, and I'm okay with that. I can't always be perfect, right?
The challenge: exercise, every day.
Some history:
I've always been a fair-weather gym fan. I'll get a good month in of regular visits, and then I stop for six months. Or maybe I'll get two trips a week, but zero the next.
As a coach and a teacher, I do feel so busy at times. I have 800 different things on my to-do list and no idea when I will finish them. But, I actually feel slightly caught up at the moment. I know what I'm teaching for the next ten days, cheer is slowing down until basketball season, and I feel a little less stressed. The planets have aligned.
I've belonged to the same gym for several years now, and it's time I've returned. No sense in paying for a gym membership if I don't actually go! And, recently my sister and I signed up for Jazzercise (don't laugh - although it is funny). We've gone a couple times, but I'm ready to step it up now.
I always feel so much better when I exercise, but yet, I hate it. It has so many good side effects - I eat healthier, I have more energy, I feel better about myself, I gain more confidence, and overall, I am just more proud of myself. But, recently, I've been really bad about getting back in the habit. I guess I hate it because I get so frustrated because I want immediate results. I want to lose 10 pounds in a week, and that just doesn't happen. I also get way too busy, although if I really looked, I'm sure I could find the time. Oh, and I hate going to the gym at busy times. I feel like I have to fight for a machine and everyone knows that I’m not a “regular”.
BUT, this is it. I'm in this for ten days...
My plan: for ten days straight, I'm either going to the gym or jazzercise or a vigorous jog around the neighborhood (although, that is my last and desperate choice). This means some trips after school, or some (ick) really early morning gym visits - 5:30 am). But, I can do this. I expect myself to do this. I predict one missed day, and I'm okay with that. I can't always be perfect, right?
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