Coronavirus Feelings, post 1

I find myself going to writing when I’m feeling overwhelmed. And, it’s been a long time since I’ve gone to writing. As a preteen and teenager and college kid, I’ve gone back and forth to journal writing. It’s no surprise that I find solace in pencil and paper, or now, keyboard and laptop given my history with being in love with the written word, both as a student and a teacher. 

I’m nervous. I’m anxious. When I feel that way, I need to release. And my release is through passively written sentences and spilling my emotions on to the page. Last night I couldn’t fall asleep. I was hit with a wave of anxieties in this current time. 

So many things to be nervous about —

1. Staying healthy in this household. What does this look like? How do I manage it? What if one of us gets sick? What does that look like? How do roles switch to be best prepared for this.  (my hands are sweating as I’m writing this — a physical release of my worries).
2. My family that lives beyond these walls of our home. I just keep praying and praying for their safety and health, and that they remain protected in this all. 
3. Are we prepared? Do we have what we need? As we go into “stay at home” mandate, a little bit of fear creeps up with our preparedness. But, in reality, how lucky are we with modern day luxuries like online shopping and delivery services and so much more.And, the mandate doesn’t mean I can’t get out and get more, but I get so nervous that in doing so, I am putting myself and others at more risk.
4. Can I keep my happy face on right now, for my children? Can I make all seem normal right now? I have to try, and with that comes weight and pressure.
5. How can I help others? I went grocery shopping on Friday, and just felt so bad for the store employees. The woman who was my cashier was so upbeat and positive, but she told me how tired she was, how the days are long, and the shopping for herself is difficult. The best I could do right then was to offer to buy her (and the young man working so hard to bag my groceries) a drink from the check out lane. So small for now, but I wanted to show my appreciation for the hard work they are doing, and how much they are willing to sacrifice for so many others. But, what else can I do right now? That’s what I need to explore. 
6. What if…. what if… that’s the scariest thought right now. And, that’s what keeps me tossing and turning. It’s so hard to quiet my mind of that little fear. 

I don’t know how much I will actually write during this time (much like those journals from my younger years. I may skip days, weeks, months, who knows?), but right now, I need this release. This attempt of an exodus of these heavy feelings.